Saturday, 13 April 2013

Guilt

I don't know what's right and what's real, any more. And I don't know how I'm meant to feel, any more
The Fear - Lily Allen

Day 37 : Things are going well, but I'm going to moan anyway.

I hate what myeloma does to bodies. But even more, I hate what it does to minds. Here I am, recovering well, and improving day by day, and imagining all the things I will be able to do in the coming months. And how do I feel today? Guilty.

Maybe I need a break from Myelomaville. Right now I'm aware of all the bad myeloma experiences out there - I should know, I've had my share - and I'm feeling guilty because I'm not having one of them right now. Other people are. How insane is that? If I'm not suppressing jealousy of people who are having it easier than me, then I'm feeling guilty about how well I'm doing myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid. By that logic, I can't win. And I want to win. I intend to win. I'm really quite good at winning.

Myeloma has my body (or bits of it). I refuse to let it have my mind. So I'm going to consign jealousy and guilt (along with stress and worry) to the bin of emotions I no longer do.

So I'm not feeling guilty any more. So there.

Now, for a moment, on to matters corporeal, because your day probably isn't complete without an instalment of The Eternal Saga of Alex's Legs and Back©. Very achy legs today, though I manage a good walk round Nunhead Cemetery in the rain and mud. (More uplifting than it sounds, for those who don't know the place.) I also attempt a few (rather half hearted) press ups this morning (by few, I mean 3). I decided to try this in order to see if I can arch my back, rather than particularly to exercise my arms. I am surprised to discover that I can indeed flex my back very slightly backwards. I didn't really think I'd be able to do that. #iwillbedoingsummersaultssoon (not).

2 comments:

  1. Crickey!
    You're more active than I am...what is a press up?
    Nunhead is a marvellous place, I've cycled it many times.
    Love you
    Nxx

    ReplyDelete
  2. dear alex,

    i appreciate how honestly you've written about feeling guilty. i think it's a feeling many of us deal with, but especially those who are young and have had their lives so utterly turned upside down. good you are determined, refusing to let an emotion you are definitely not comfortable with intrude on all the progress you have and are making. it takes mindful effort to banish all the bugaboos that would love to haunt us, but it is so worth it to keep trying, keep remembering that we have enough to deal with, and that we DESERVE to have our minds and hearts where we want them to be. i try to picture spaces where love, gratitude, and hope reside, and how powerfully the more beastly emotions want to take over at times. of course, we all have our moments, perched on the precipice of succumbing, but i, too, REFUSE.

    please know i continue to think of you, sending my most powerful vibes for healing and comfort.

    your fearless friend,

    karen, TC

    ReplyDelete