Wednesday, 19 September 2018

Epilogue nine

I'm the type of guy to boost your self esteem. We party all night cos it's you, you, you everyday. Self obsessed and sexxee all the way
Self Obsessed and Sexxee - Sonic Youth

Relationship under construction

I don't feel I've been able to be a good dad, husband, son, brother, friend or neighbour, this year. A number of people have been very supportive to us, and I've been very grateful for that, with no sense that I've any ability to give anything back. Sometimes it is easier to withdraw - to read the newspaper on my phone, or stick my headphones on - than engage with other people when I don't have much to say, and when I feel as though all I "contribute" is to drain away life and energy.

There's a lot of relationships I want to rebuild.

In particular, Marisa has to put up with every single up and down of my "journey". When my myeloma is being intensely physical, it becomes a very solitary experience. But even though Marisa isn't a physical participant in it, she still has to put up with it, and me, every single day.

Relationships often don't survive massive trauma. When one reads stories, for example, of couples who have lost a child, one isn't at all surprised if the couple subsequently separated. Trauma is isolating and disruptive. From the very beginning I found my myeloma pulled us into different rhythms.

We recently passed the milestone of 20 years since we met and started going out. We are both significantly different people than we were back then. There have been many times, these last few years, when I have worried and lamented what myeloma has done to us. I'm sure I will worry about that again.

But I will also cling to another insight. Everybody grows. Everybody changes. A strong relationship means continually building a new relationship together. So, I've stopped worrying about what we've been through. The next 20 years will, inevitably, be different from the last. And it's our job to create it.

As always, I owe a massive debt of thanks to you, Marisa. For sticking by me when I don't always deserve it. For carrying all the weight that I am unable to. I'm so proud of you for the person that you have become, the career you have built, and for being such a conscientious, devoted mother.

I will always be sorry for what myeloma has done, because even though I know it is not my fault, they are still my cells. It is part of me.

But... None of us knows what tomorrow holds. And everyone has to navigate the complexities of being in their 40s. It's really not all about the myeloma.

When I'm done with this SCT, let's paint the town red. Love you.

1 comment:

  1. ALL THANKS TO DR WILLIAMS
    I was diagnosed of myeloma in 2011, I have tried all possible means to get cure but all my effort proved abortive, until a friend of mine introduced me to a herbal doctor , who prepare herbal medicine to cure different kind of diseases including myeloma , when i contacted this herbal doctor via his email, he sent me the myeloma herbal medicine via courier service, when i received the herbal medicine he gave me step by step instructions on how to apply it, when i applied it as instructed by Dr Williams i was totally cured from this disease within 1 months of usage. any body with similar problem can Contact this great herbal doctor via his email drwilliams098675@gmail.com for advice and for his product,and thanks to you admin for such an informative blog.

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